Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Crabs are everywhere. And i mean everywhere.

Let’s just get this shit out of the way: The After Paradise bullshit is NOT happening. You guys, I couldn’t. I tried. Did anyone actually sit through that? I literally couldn’t. I tried. It was Chris Harrison, some famous Twitter person who makes fun of the show, Ashley I. and two stars from the show Scandal. What the fuck? It was terrible, terrible, terrible. It’s like three people sitting around talking about the show, but those people are all boring. So no recaps on that garbage. Forgive me.

I admit though, I’m sucked into the train wreck show. It’s SO pathetic that you can’t look away. It’s so sad and desperate and it’s NOT a coincidence they keep showing crabs.

JJ: “There’s something electric in the air. It might be the lightning but something is electric.” He says this without a hint of knowledge of what he just said.

The electric thing he’s talking about is oddly Clare’s arrival. She claims, “This time will be amazing and incredible.” Oh geez. Delusion at it’s best.

You guuuuuys!!! It's going to be glorious this time!!!

Clare has a date card and doesn’t know who to pick because everyone is apparently paired up already. So she talks it over with a crab. People, she is not actually talking to a crab. Creative editing. Wait…is she actually talking to a crab?

Mikey is interested in her, but not really. He only thinks he is because she’s the only one left. He tells her that he wants the date, and she looks super bummed out and thinks about it for a minute and finally says, “Sigh…ok I’ll take you.” So THAT must feel good.

Clare and Mikey’s date is tantric yoga, which is disgusting. I never want to mix exercising with sex, especially in front of those two random tantric yoga experts. Gross-o. Oh and Mikey’s favorite position was the Downward Clare. Vomit.

I mean...

Later on, while wading in some pond, she tells him she’s not really interested in him by saying, “I would much rather be with a bunch of those other guys, but they appear not to like me. If that ends up being true, then yes, I’ll definitely bang you, but I’m sort of looking at that as a last resort. But mark my words, I WILL NOT leave this place without banging someone.” Mikey is oddly ok with this.

Ashley S. Date 

Ashley S. asks Dan on her date right away. This is because she had the poops last night and was rushed to a hospital to get an IV. Dan went with her cause he’s nice. Also, he was apparently shirtless in the hospital all night. That’s Mexico for ya. Also – Dan asked for his own IV, just to make her feel better. And they gave it to him. Again – Mexico…

The date was uneventful because they like each other, so they ate dinner, danced and kissed. I bet the producers are SUPER pissed that she’s acting much more normal than they had hoped.

Speaking of acting not normal, Tenley is now crying because she doesn’t have a boyfriend in Paradise yet. So she takes Jared on a walk and Ashley I. freaks out, and cries yet again, that she will die alone. Are her parents watching?? This is seriously intervention time. The girl needs help. She is a mess, people. And stop calling Tenley old – you sound like a ridiculous asshole.

Lauren is a bitch. That’s all.

Cocktail Party 

So guys give out roses this week and there is one more girl than guy, so that means one girl gets sent home (reminder that Lauren and Ashley are a package deal). JJ starts off the night with regular old JJ douchebag talk, saying he’s relishing the role of these girls kissing his ass for a rose. DOES HE NOT REALIZE WHAT HE WILL SOUND LIKE? I don’t get it.

Everyone is pretty much coupled up with the exception of Tenley, Jillian and JJ. So Tenley makes a very gross and desperate move, by hitting on JJ. She tells him she wants to see where their relationship can go. It’s 10 minutes before the rose ceremony – how can he not see what she’s doing? Tenley wanting to be with JJ is about as likely as me giving JJ a blowjob. Or me giving anyone a blowjob actually.

Tenley is pleased with herself for making a move on JJ and tricking him into giving her a rose. She yells, “I like this girl and I want to see her more often! Being slutty is fun!” She didn’t say that.

Jared tells Ashley he thinks she’s amazing, which is code for, “I don’t like you in a sexual way AT ALL and can see just how sad you are. Actually this entire thing is pathetic but you know, I don’t get any real tail back home, so I will stay here and try to land someone. But it sure as hell won’t be you.”

Then Jared tells Clare that he will give her his rose tonight if she doesn’t have one. I think Ashley overhears him, and STILL does not get the message. HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. Fucking deal with it.

Rose Ceremony 

-Tanner gives his rose to Jade (tanner still can’t believe a playboy bunny kissed him)
-Kirk gives his rose to Carly (mold free rose)
-Dan gives his rose to Ashley S. (he wore a shirt)
-Jonathan gives his rose to Juelia (oddest couple ever)
-Mikey gives his rose to Clare (Namaste)
-Jared gives his rose to Ashley I. (the nobody-left rose)

It’s down to JJ and he has to choose between Tenley and Jillian. He chooses Tenley. I get it – I’d rather bang Tenley over Jillian any day, but part of him HAS to know she just made out with him to get the rose, no? Men’s penises are so dumb.

So Jillian is out and cries in the limo and looks a little like she’s been drugged.

Reminder – I’m out of town next week. On a cruise with no Internet, so I’ll miss the show so no recap. But I’ll be back the week after that! Thanks so much for understanding. And a big thanks to everyone who leaves comments for me on the blog – I read them all. You crack me up and thank you for all the nice words!


  1. Agreed, After Paradise is like a bad, awkward burrito. Enjoy your cruise!

  2. I know this might sound strange but I'm really pulling for Ashley S. I know her elevator doesn't go to the top but she seems so innocent and childlike that I think she may actually be the "realist" person on the show.
    Also, I really hope Jared doesn't turn into the douchbag the deflowers Ashley I. I can totally see JJ being that douchbag but that's not a stretch for him.

  3. I think Jonathan and Ashley S would be a fun couple if only for the fact that they both open their eyes AS WIDE AS POSSIBLE when they speak. It is freaky and I could see them two of them on a date, all wide-eyed, staring each other down and the waiter comes over to greet them, takes one look and dives under the nearest chair because he had nightmares from seeing Large Marge as a kid. Their baby would be of the Clockwork Orange variety.

  4. I don't think I live that far away from the Iaconetti sisters. Maybe I can find a way to stage a psych intervention. It is needed.

  5. who was that blonde Twitter bitch with Smitty on After?!? did they even call you Jen?

    no Jen = no me watching


  6. Come back from your cruise already! Paradise inspired a Mexican viaje. Am I right? Without your recap this week, I'm at a loss for how to cope with Ashley I's incessant crying and JJ's tattoo. What IS that?!! Seriously. I can't wait to read your reaction to this week and next week's decline of cognitive function. By then I hope to have cleared the vomit from my mouth. With that, bottoms up! P.s. Jade's boobies are due for a tune up.

  7. Oh my gosh, I hope you dvr'd this week while you were on vacation. Joe is the anti-Christ, Jonathan is a girl and Jared's put his penis in charge of his choices! And lastly, 36 IS NOT OLD! Enjoy catching up!

  8. I just found your blog, LOVE IT! You are a welcome replacement to Reality Steve!! Thank you!!!

  9. Your recaps continue to crack me up! It's like you are reading my mind as I watch the show and put into writing what we are all thinking! You didn't miss much this week. I agree, the Live show is overkill and very awkward but it's a train wreck so I'll continue to watch! The "paradise" looks like a bug and crab infested hell hole and is doing nothing to make me want to visit Mexico!

  10. Favorite line: "I bet the producers are SUPER pissed that she’s acting much more normal than they had hoped." No kidding! Ha! So glad she's got a chance to beat that horrible Crazy Edit she got on Chris's season. I knew she wasn't really crazy after I heard her on Michelle Money's YouTube video. She seems like a beautiful person inside and out. Can't think of a single mean thing she said about anybody either.