Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Still talking about Joe...

I was going to say how annoying it was that they wasted two entire episodes on this lame Juelia and Joe drama…but then I realized this show is all about this shit. If we weren’t wasting time on those two, what would they be covering? Tanner’s boner? Ashley’s headband? Dan’s sexuality? It’s all ridiculous, so sure, why not blow two nights on Joe’s flat forehead and his hot bitch?

As if it's not enough of a hellhole already...

Soooo, Juelia decides to take Samantha aside and tell her what a douche bag Joe has been. I’m distracted by Sammy’s porn fingernails. Anyway, Sammy shuts Juelia down and sides with Joe. Duh. He was just stirring her stew in the hot tub, so it’s safe to say she’d be on his side.

My two cents: First of all, enough already. Man, they are all BORED. They need to move on. Second, yes, I think Joe is a dickhead. But for lots of reasons. As he said, there’s nothing wrong with going on a date with one chick and then meeting someone else and liking her more. Juelia is acting a bit like they had been together a year…it was ONE date. However, Joe didn’t exactly just casually go on a date with her. He was sort of saying too much bullshit, like how much he likes her, blah blah blah. He went a bit overboard there. And then there’s the small fact that he probably never liked her at ALL because he was waiting to bang Sammy… And Juelia’s a widow, so it’s just kind of dick. But the main reason I hate him now is that he’s such a fucking shit-brain about how he’s dealing with all this. He’s super rude and defensive and acts like Juelia is just a big hassle. But I do think they’re all harping incessantly at this point. He’s a dick, so hate him and move on.

But NOW it turns out that Samantha is in on this serious Bachelor in Paradise plotting. I still think it’s funny that it’s considered some big plot. They talked before the show and wanted to bang – they’re not selling military secrets for fucks’ sake.

But Samantha is a bitch, yo! She’s nasty. So this is God’s way of equaling things out. I say that a lot, but it’s actually fascinating to watch. You can’t have it all, people. When you’re as hot as Samantha, God gives you a super bitchy persona and the desire to have porn nails.


Amber comes. Who the fuck is this? And she claims she’s hopeful Dan will be there. Don’t fucking pretend you don’t know he’ll be there. In the hundreds of bachelors who have been on this show, Dan is literally the last person I’d recognize. Amber is a close second. Who are these people? My ass they didn’t know who was cast on the show.

Her hair is wack and she giggles way too much. She asks Dan on a date, but Dan says he wants to talk to Ashley first. The talk doesn’t go well, as one could have guessed. Ashley is pissed. But honestly, I just don’t care. Let’s move on.

Dan and Amber go on a date and I am thoroughly confused as to why all these Mexicans in the street are cheering for them to kiss. But they do, and they kiss a lot. And she giggles a lot. And they eat dinner at the Hacienda Bla Nal Nal. The end.

Megan and JJ go on a date and there is so little airtime devoted to the date that I refuse to even give it its own section in my recap. Despite the fact she claims she’s a southern belle, she comments that JJ might be motorboating her later, and that it’s the fastest she’s gotten wet on a date. Someone tape her mouth shut, omg. JJ says, “I’m excited to be here, even though we’re different intellectually.” Fuck you, JJ. Are you kidding me? Sure, she’s as dumb as my coffee table, but it’s just gross to be spouting off about your own intellect. Gross.

Ashley S. decides she’s over Dan and instead makes love to a bird.

The show ends with yet MORE discussion of Joe, Juelia and Samantha. Enough already. Oh did you guys hear that last summer Samantha dated Jeremy Piven? Odd right?

OK I’m done. See you next week, peeps!


  1. Glad to see someone actually gets the overblown Joe drama. I also wondered whether Dan might be gay. And Ashley's "acting crazy" being acting like she wanted to have sex with him. So no wonder they didn't reveal the specifics.....

    1. I agree about Dan. Honestly, it seemed like most of the guys from Des's season were gay.

  2. Jen, didn't you like Joe in Kaitlyn's season? I hated him then and hate him even more now. I want to punch him in the face.

  3. Joe sucks. And Samantha sucks. Everyone sucks. I was watching that stupid ass After Paradise show (which also sucks, especially Harrison's unfunny bitch of a co-host) and Samantha tweeting that whole, "I'm SOoooOooo sorry, Joe made me do it with his penis" thing made me really just wish she'd have her social media access taken away. She clearly only uses it for evil/stupidity. Juelia, on the other hand, actually seemed a lot more self-aware than normal, so that was good.

  4. Excellent blog! You write so well. Some of your comments are just what I thought of too. Thanks for this. I will look and read your other writings.

  5. Someone brought up the idea of, if you two (Joedick & Samporn) were talking prior to the show, why not just hook up on your own and not waste other people's time???? Uh, can you say reality TV whores? I knew you could. I'm pretty much just watching now so I can watch them crash and burn.
    As for Juelia, does she really believe this is the best avenue for meeting Mr. Right/forever daddy??? Based on her appearance, I'm thinking she's really looking for her big break.

  6. In answer to your first question: free beach vacation in Mexico!
    As for Juelia, she may indeed see the show as a way to break into show business (a lot of other contestants do). On the other hand, she strikes me as pretty naïve: when a guy starts talking about your future together on your first date, he's either incredibly needy, or he's a real player.