Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 2 Thoughts

I had a surprising number of people ask me this week if I can picture Ben on top of me naked, and I’m so sorry I forgot to address this critical question last week! The answer is…I think so. He doesn’t REALLY do it for me, but I’m not turned off by him necessarily. He’s pretty cute and a little funny, and seems like a nice dude, so sure, let’s throw him on top of me… but he WILL need to not be such a pussy all the time.

Here are some Jen thoughts on the show:

-All these girls have the exact same hairstyle: long, beachy waves. This isn’t a joke I’m making. Seriously, it’s kind of crazy.

-The first group date is to a high school, where they force the girls to compete against each other in various, stupid events. Basically, the producers tried really hard to find a way to exploit these girls’ weaknesses, like basketball playing. And basic geometry. And running without falling.

-Of course the black girl wins the basketball competition.

-New pet peeve of mine with this show (as if I needed another): When the girls discuss “upping their game”. This is supposed to be a get-to-know-someone opportunity, not American Ninja Warrior.

-Why can’t Amber jump over hurdles AT ALL? So much for my black stereotyping.

-It’s killing me that I don’t know what “small business” Jennifer owns. Dry Cleaner? Chinese restaurant? My mind is racing with possibilities.

-Ben and the girls keep saying to each other “I really want to get to know you.” However, nobody is ACTUALLY getting to know each other. They just talk about wanting to do so. So fucking do it, already. TALK.

-Olivia’s mouth is huge and by the fifth massive mouth AHHHHH, I’m convinced she’s doing it on purpose so all the men in America will be all, “Oh man I could fit my unit in there, no problem.” Good god, I’m so 40. I just called it a unit. Ugh.

-During the little party after the first group date, Lace goes bananas and steals Ben to talk, twice because, people, this is a fucking competition! She is upping her game! She doesn’t give a flying fuck if Ben is missing half his face. She wants to WIN. Also, she needs love like nobody’s business. Shit, someone hug her before she implodes. Jesus.

-Jojo is fake happy to see…buildings. And then says, “I’ve never been this happy before.” Does she live in an underground cellar? That is the only way these two comments would make sense.

-Ben gives the date rose to Jojo. If I were Ben right then, I would’ve given the rose to Lace and then addressed all the ladies and said, “I’m giving this rose to Lace because she worked really hard to talk to me. So step it up ladies.” It would be amazing to see the fallout.

-Ice Cube and Kevin Hart to the rescue. Phew. I would’ve paid money to be on that date, wow. Caila smiles a lot and talks about her favorite color, so she seems to be a perfect match for Ice Cube (?)


Is that an ass on her plate? 

-Love Lab is super fake. And I would be PISSED if made to run on a treadmill on a date. Dealbreaker. And the deal would then be further broken when he smelled my sweaty ass afterwards.

-Hold the phone, Shushanna speaks perfect English?

-Olivia scores the highest, after a series of fake smelling, touching tests. $100 says the producers just made that shit up on the fly. They were like, “Who’s the most insecure in this group? Let’s make her smell like shit and give her a two! Yes, hahahaha!”

-Amanda tells Ben about her two kids, Kenslie and Jarilee. I may not have heard that right. Anyway, he takes it like a champ and says, “Kids don’t scare me.” Uh, have you MET kids before? They SHOULD scare you. Mini terrorists, actually.

-Amanda is “on cloud 9”. Ben gives Olivia the rose. Amanda is no longer on cloud 9.

***VENT: Do ANY of these fucking chicks realize there are 20 other chicks there? I don’t get it. When he talks to them and says medium-nice things, do they think they’re the ONLY one who Ben is nice to?

 -Olivia is crazy at the cocktail party and searches out Ben to talk even though she has a rose. Lace pulls Olivia aside to talk to her. Funny how Olivia looks SO NORMAL when compared to Lace.

-Lace is freaking out about Ben and finally gets her chance to talk to him! She tells him that she’s a lot to handle and was super ugly as a child. Sooo yeeeeeeah, I could’ve maybe thought of a few things to say that weren’t so, you know…gross.

-She’s not pleased with her Ben performance, cries and says, “The insecure Lace came out. I promised she wouldn’t.” Oh honey, don’t worry…she was definitely out before that conversation.

-Ben gives flight attendant Lauren a photo of them. She looks underwhelmed. On an unrelated note, I wish she spoke in flight attendant talk all the time. “Beeeen, this is such a cute photo! Put your tray table in the upright position so I can come give you a kiss!”

-Ben then gives the other Lauren a blue ribbon for having the largest explosion at the science fair. I would’ve said, “And I hope to give this back to you one day for YOUR largest explosion, if you know what I mean.”


Rose Ceremony

Olivia, Caila, and Jojo have roses. Other 14 roses to:

Amanda – 2 kids, not on cloud 9
Jubilee – War veteran, fake name
Lauren B – flight attendant
Leah – who?
Becca – So hot, amiright?
Rachel – Her occupation is “unemployed.” YES! They’re all unemployed – she’s the only honest one!
Lace – Wins blue ribbon for insecurity. Whoa.
Jennifer – small business owner… Arby’s franchise owner? DAMMIT!
Emily – Twin one. Shoot me but these bitches look normal and tame compared to…well, the others. Jami – Who the hell is this? For real?
Lauren H. – Kindergarten teacher, blue ribbon winner, beachy wave girl #11
Shushanna – English speaker. Like totally English.
Haley – Twin two.
Amber – Go away.

Home to:

LB – She took herself out. Quiet girl can’t deal with this insanity. Smartest one there.
Sam – Despite being educated and having an actual occupation, she’s the second most insecure there. And she smells like crap, apparently.
Mandi – Fake dentist.
Jackie – Brunette beachy wave girl. Besides that, no clue who this is.

Too many girls, let’s get down to business so we can see the real crazy. See you guys soon!

13 comments:

  1. quite sad, if you watch the bball shots, they had to edit them... No way all those girls made them! And yes, Olivia needs to shut her mouth, and if I were Sam, I would have been like, bam, I just passed the BAR exam, peace out Mo'fo's!! But, alas, she doesn't. Love the random thought blurbs... That's pretty much what I do all show to my girlfriend that I used to watch with but is now far away. One disagreement- the double whammy of those twins being stupid, and too young makes them super annoying (to me). They will get eaten alive by these other crazies!

    Cheers!

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  2. Jen you are such a racist! just kidding I love your anti-PC humor!

    Nice job on the vent - nothing much to add once you've weighed in

    when is your appearance on Bachelor Live? the producers need your input! tell them they need a few confident, intelligent, smart-ass women on this suckass show!

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  3. Jen - HAHHAHAAAA!!!!! So damn funny. I actually think I like this style of recap more than a play by play recap!

    I think you are aiming too high when trying to determine Jennifer the small business owner's business. You should be thinking more along the lines of "Mary Kay Consultant" or "Paper Route" or "Has Own Store On Etsy Selling Purses Made From Pubes". Small business owner my asshole. Pssh.

    For reals though, I died when I saw "She doesn’t give a flying fuck if Ben is missing half his face" - EUREKA! That's it! And he TOTALLY IS! It's kind of freaking me out now.

    I have to say I agree about the twins - except for their unfortunate dresses that look like professional ice dancer costumes or Barbie's sparkly night out gowns. Their fashion choices make them look (more) like idiots.

    We also have no clue about Leah or Jami - but I would like to point out that J-a-m-i is phonetically 'jammie' like the jammies you wear to bed. It does not say "Jamie". So fuck off Jammie.

    Amber - go away <----I concur!

    And the ass on the plate, LOL! Why even put food down? When they stood up to leave the complete ass was still sitting there, untouched. Some poor ass was sacrificed and they didn't even take a bite! Think of the asses!!

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    Replies
    1. Great comment! Lol'd hard! If there's a Kimmycat blog somewhere out there, I want to know about it.

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  4. Ben's greatest fear is they get to know him and all leave, which is why when LB made the wise decision to get out of Crazy Town, suddenly that rocked Ben to his core. Sure he's cute in a boyish way but that kind of insecurity is an absolute libido killer. There's being humble and then there's thinking you are not worthy of anything good. Enough with his "boo hoo they all leave me" bullshit. Newsflash Ben! Unless you are married, all of us have been left! Or have done the leaving! And even those who are married can still be left and do the leaving! It doesn't mean you suck, it means that person wasn't right for you. So get the fuck over your sob story already. It's pathetic.

    Did you notice toward the beginning of the episode they showed him in his undies putting on his jeans? Like, really? He appears to be a grower and not a shower, by the way...which could explain his insecurities around the girls getting to see the REAL HIM then walk away. Again he just needs to get over that and understand he's not everyone's cup of tea.

    Most of these girls seem very empty-headed to me. Especially the twins. I think they are conjoined in the brain--they each have half. And admit their stupidity. On national TV. Wow.

    Keep up the blog, loving the new format!

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    Replies
    1. A grower and not a shower, simply awesome.

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  5. -Ben then gives the other Lauren a blue ribbon for having the largest explosion at the science fair. I would’ve said, “And I hope to give this back to you one day for YOUR largest explosion, if you know what I mean.”-
    MIKE DROPPED. lol

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  6. I'm thinking Jennifer rents a chair at a salon for her business. Someone has to be keeping the girls primped in their beach waves.

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  7. Hi Ben: it's me, Olivia without my make-up on. Where should I stick my finger. Ha. https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://img.thesun.co.uk/aidemitlum/archive/01549/SNA1825ET---532_1549684a.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4401833/Do-aliens-exist-The-question-Brits-most-want-answered.html&h=427&w=532&tbnid=MF-ceSz_98F2GM:&docid=nW1WAUASvYA3_M&ei=WziXVp7UA4fKeJHansAI&tbm=isch&ved=0ahUKEwje7a39zqjKAhUHJR4KHRGtB4g4rAIQMwgrKCgwKA

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  8. The Real Olivia (not TV Olivia)January 14, 2016 at 10:27 AM

    I'm confused about Ben's hair. Is it a modern mullet, party on the top? YES! It is!

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  9. "If shit got weird at a Disney party and Bruce from Finding Nemo knocked up the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin, Olivia would be their bastard love child." -from another bachelor blog I just came upon but already love! Check it out - http://postgradproblems.com/a-dudes-breakdown-of-week-2-of-the-bachelor/

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  10. Jennifer Saviano owns Hot Pink Hanger boutique. www.hotpinkhanger.com. I was hoping for something a little more exciting.

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  11. When Olivia would open her mouth all giant and weird, my husband and I would rate it on a scale of double dicker, triple dicker, or quad dickery. Impressive, Olivia. Impressive.

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