Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Bachelor - Week 3 Thoughts

What a bunch of assholes. And by that I mean, everyone involved in this show. Except for Chris Harrison. I can just see it on his face – he knows exactly what a shitshow this franchise has become. Too much fodder for my thoughts so here are some of my highlights:

• Jubilee says if she gets a one-on-one date with Ben, the guy she has literally spoken to twice, it will be the happiest day of her life. As a reminder… this is coming from a war veteran. I say Jubilee’s judgment was damaged in ‘Nam. (I know she wasn’t in Vietnam, calm down)

• I’d be super pissed if I actually spent time styling my hair and Ben made me drive in a convertible.

• The fact that the flight attendant is scared of flying does NOT help convince me that flying is safe. Also Sun Air? No fucking thank you.

• The hot tub in the middle of nowhere is amazing. And somehow they also piped in porn music, too! Oh wait, now it’s romantic mandolin-ish music.

• After Ben gives Lauren B. the rose, he takes her to a private concert by Lucy Rose, whoever the shit that is. However, I recognize that I’m totally out of touch with hip music so I Google these people to see if they are super famous and I’m just an idiot. Wikipedia tells me this: July 22, 2011, they performed at the Country Thunder Music Festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin.” Enough said. I’m not an idiot.

• Those chicks wear a lot of makeup while playing soccer. Oh and after that game, I bet those two real soccer players from the US team went out to dinner and tore those chicks apart. Also, I bet they went out for Buffalo wings. Not sure why I think that. But I think I’m right.

• Everyone hates Olivia. Like a bunch of assholes, they make fun of her toes behind her back (you heard me). But the real asshole is Jami who runs to Olivia and tells her. What a bitch. And Olivia’s reaction is the best: “What did they make fun of?” And then proceeds to fire off everything she’s most insecure about: “Was it my calves? My cankles? My face? My left saggy breast? My personality inside and out? My vagine? WHAT WAS IT?”

• Amber tells Ben she’s learned so much since being on the show the first time. Then they kiss and she tells the camera, “The kiss reassures the relationship.” OK so she didn’t learn THAT.

• Olivia thinks Ben is sending her secret messages by doing small gestures, like…standing up.

• Jubilee gets the next one on one date and has to fly in a helicopter, which is apparently terrifying for her. Again, war vet.

• Jubilee claims this date will be a good way for her to “throw all my different sides at Ben.” Jesus that sounds downright terrifying. Especially if her tattoos are involved.

• Ben says Jubilee intrigues him. That’s code for confuses him. Also, how obvious is it that Bachelor people are trying to tee up Jubilee as the next Bachelorette? They’ve come under fire for being racist, right? And there’s no way Jubes will end up with Ben…soooo….

• Not only is Jubilee’s entire family dead, but so are two “pillars of the community” from Ben’s hometown. Lots of death, good lord. You know what else is dead? Olivia’s self-respect, if there was any in the first place, as the entire world just saw her CRY to a BOY over her LEGS. Fuck.

• Now the girls are bashing on Jubilee for being annoying. I’m not saying they’re wrong but what a bunch of asshole whore faces these bitches are.

• Lace! Way to redeem yourself, girlfriend. I’m being serious. She admits that she’s not fully there mentally – not a complete person and has some shit to work on before she’s ready for a relationship. I mean…sure, she knew she wasn’t getting picked anyway, but honestly I give her credit. I think?

Rose Ceremony 

Amber, Lauren B and Jubilee have roses already. Other 11 roses go to:

Lauren H. – Laura Dern
Amanda – Mom. Seems nice.
Becca – Still hot and has no airtime this week. WTF?
Haley – The twin who isn’t good at soccer.
Emily – The twin who is good at soccer (using the term “good” loosely). Also, Ben stop picking both goddamn twins.
Rachel – small and quirky. Mildly annoying.
Caila – Seems sweet and normal. I don’t think she stands a chance.
Jojo – Ummm…
Jennifer – Small business owner DAMMIT WHAT IS IT
Leah – Nope, not a clue.
Olivia – cankles, big mouth, apparently odd toes, and a totally faulty sixth sense.

So the following chicks went home:

Lace – took herself out
Jami – Pissy tattletale
Shushanna – She went from speaking no English, to perfect English, to nothing at all. Buh bye, Shoshie.

See you next week, peeps!


  1. Hi there, Jen!

    I have been wanting to write you for a long time, just to tell you that I love your recaps/thoughts on the show! I'm Brazilian and now I live in Brasília, and believe me or not, I do watch this show (and it's variations. I guess I should work on my priorities). And reading your blog is the best part of it :D! Thanks for making me laugh out loud at work (which makes me seem a little crazy):D!

  2. I think Amber whispered that Olivia has halitosis, not that she has weird toes.

  3. Actually it was both she whispers about. I LOVE your recap and will definitely continue checking back for more! Hilarious!

  4. Wasn't Caila the one that sat and cried because Ben was going out with other women and she didn't realize how difficult this would be? I look at that and think, my goodness, she has been on one date with this man and she's upset he's dating others. And crying about it. These girls signed up for this but the producers allow them no phones, no computer access, they can't go date other guys, and they are given an open bar and alcohol IVs so yes they will over-analyze everything. They will hyper focus on Ben and seem SUPER needy because THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Like their normal activities have literally been taken from them.

    Lace is now normal and Olivia is the freaking psycho. Ben breathed today so therefore he's all yours. Shut up.

    Two girls have bailed on Ben so far. Is that a Bachelor record? Especially this early on...I respect the ones who left, even Lace, that was some self-realization right there. If I had to guess it would be Ben is sweet but has NO GAME. Look at how he kisses these girls. They are grandma kisses, or like the girl is kissing a cardboard cut out of Ben. I see him kissing a girl and I wake up 10 minutes later because I dozed off.

    Ben, come on! Remember the kiss in Back to the Future? Or the one in the rain in The Notebook? A woman wants you to take her in your arms and KISS her so her breath is gone, you are in control and she can feel the heat rising! Ben is lovable like a puppy but maybe he is UNLOVABLE as in he is NOT a lover and these women are sensing it and take off.

    Jami, those girls were catty but you were worse. Snitches get stitches. Bye Felicia

  5. Love the recap! Thanks for sticking with it for another season. This season has been better than I anticipated. I have done a lot less fast forwarding through the dates - lol.

  6. The hot tub in the middle of nowhere was ridiculous. I read on Ben's blog that there were rattlesnakes all over! Now that's romantic! Thanks for the fun writeup/thoughts!

  7. Anyone else notice Lauren B. and Ben were in a plane seat meant for ONE person, and therefore were both wearing half of an unbuckled seat belt? It was an open air cockpit! HOLY UNSAFE BATMAN!