Tuesday, March 1, 2016

The Bachelor – Week 9 Thoughts

Ben and his big mouth are in Jamaica this week and I realized I cannot say the word Jamaica without a horrible Jamaican accent and adding a “mon” on the end. “They’re in Jamaica-mon!”

Welcome to snake fucking central. No thanks. 

Here are some more super profound thoughts:

• Awkward city raft ride with Caila, good lord.

• Caila’s date wasted about thirty minutes of airtime, of which 28 minutes was Caila talking to the camera about how anxious she is. How many times, in how many ways can one say this? Ben probably humped her to hump the anxious out.

• She spits out that she’s in love with Ben. She knows he can’t say that he reciprocates those feelings, but she knows he feels the same. She says, “He didn’t have to say any words. It was something I felt. In my vagine.” Also, MAN, will she be pissed when she sees this episode.

• Lauren’s date…She greets Ben and yes, her jean shorts look short, but I think they’re actually long and shoved up into her vagine. It would explain why she’s walking like she just got humped into Tuesday.

"God this hurts..."

• They spend their date releasing baby sea turtles into the ocean. First of all, they’re cute when alone, but 1000 of those things quivering in a bucket? No fucking thank you. Nightmares, people. Me in a bathtub with those all over me? OMG.

• Second of all, Lauren says, “We’re helping sea turtles survive and that’s a very important thing.” Is it though? Do we really know that? Do YOU really know that Lauren? I’m thinking no.

• Lots of metaphors about love and relationships and the turtles’ plight. They can make it to the ocean and survive! (pan to footage of turtles getting wiped out by waves)

• She tells Ben she’s in love with him and he tells HER that he’s in love with her too. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it slipped out. He was caught in the moment and really likes her and it just popped out? I’d consider that, except that he says it 100 MORE FUCKING TIMES. Ben, this was a bad move. If I were Benny, I wouldn’t bang anyone in the fantasy suite and I wouldn’t tell anyone I even liked them. Not even a little. Keep them all guessing and crazy and shit.

• I knew JoJo had big beautiful boobies but where has she been hiding this rocket body all season? For the love! Ben better get on that! OK For real I kind of love her.

• They get in a helicopter. My god, how much shit is there in Jamaica that makes me say “no fucking thank you”???

• They play in a waterfall and I am dying laughing picturing my ass hanging out of those bikini bottoms.

• She tells him she loves him and surprise! Ben tells her that he loves her too. She says, “Today is the best day of my life.” Aaaaaand watching this will be the worst day of her life. What a bummer for her. Even if he picks her in the end, she’s going to be all, “What the fuck, Ben. This shits all over that day.”

• Ben says to the camera, “I can’t imagine saying goodbye to either of these women. Oh right and Caila too? Oh yeah, her too.”

• He says, “After telling two women I love them, my heart is in a state of shock.” Oh my god, he is so fucked. Honestly, HOW did he not think this through? He then says, “I’m going to soak it all in and not think about any future decisions I have to make.” Actually that’s a great plan. Fuck everything you can in Jamaica, say whatever the hell you want and THEN figure it out. Act first, think later. Great plan.

• After he spends the night with JoJo and humps three different women in 72 hours, he decides NOW it’s time to think. And yup, the ol’ noggin tells him that he doesn’t like Caila all that much. I bet when they were humping she kept whispering how much she loved him. Oy.

• Caila decides that she wants to pop in on Ben at his place. She says, “I want to show him that a relationship with me will be full of surprises.” I say this once every season: WHY OH WHY would you want to be married to someone who surprises you all the time? How terrifying and totally annoying: “Pack your bags! We’re going to the beach!” Actually no, I haven’t shaved my legs, I have work to do, it’s cold outside and I hate sand. No thank you. Or “Surprise! I quit my job! It’s time to take a cruise or something.” Again, not OK.

• Anyway, Caila is set up for serious humiliation here. She surprises him and he doesn’t waste much time telling her that he doesn’t love her. He says it with gusto too by telling her that not only does he NOT love her but he loves everyone else BUT her. Good god.

• It’s SUPER obvious that she’s heartbroken but also just REALLY mad they had sex and then he dumps her. But she doesn’t say it out loud so kudos for her for going out with her head up. Until she absolutely loses her shit in the limo, but whatever.

Rose Ceremony 

Harrison is dumbfounded that Ben tells everyone he loves them. He’s got this smirk on his face like, “Ben you’ve got to be kidding me. Have I taught you NOTHING?” There has GOT to be a part of Chris Harrison that is just so fed up with these assholes, amiright?

Anyhoo, he gives JoJo and Lauren roses because they’re the only two left and he LOVES both of them.

Ben: “Lauren, will you accept this rose?” 
Lauren: “Yes! And I love you!”
Ben: “I love you too!”
JoJo: “Umm, what the fuck?”
Ben: “Don’t worry I love you too!”

The finale will be a bloodbath. One of these chicks is going to be SUPER bummed, whoa. But next week is Women Tell All. Should be lots of short dresses, beachy waves, and angst. See you then!


  1. Did you catch Jojo shooting daggers through her eyes at Lauren at the rose ceremony and then turn her back to her? I wish these two wonuld compare notes of their amazing, spectacular, love filled dates and then throat punch Ben and walk out. He is a giant tool that learned the right things to say to the camera while totally mind fucking some mental lightweights.

  2. Oh Ben. Thank you, Jen, for setting all this mess aright with your straight thinking and hilarious writing. If we could all be 26 years old again, would we?
    Susan in CA

  3. I did not get a super sexy vibe from JoJo until this episode. Holy hell. She is a total knockout. Why have I been getting more of a "friend" vibe from her all season? Lauren also has a beautiful body, looks absolutely frumpy by comparison. And those short short shorts while showing her belly that for some strange reason was hanging over her short shorts...maybe retaining water?? She's not at all overweight but it was just not a good look.

    Poor Caia. She totally got set up, and I respect that she got out of the limo to confront him and ask, okay, so did you know you were going to dump me BEFORE you banged me, or after? Oh, and question, what happens if birth control fails for one or more of these women? Like honestly, what goes down? They'd all have babies with just about the same due date from the same guy, because they've been living together long enough that they are all synced up with their cycles. These are the things I wonder about and why I would not be sleeping with 3 different girls in 72 hours. Yikes.

  4. I seriously think that the producers made him (not sure how.. maybe money?)say "i love you" to both. It probably slipped with Lauren (who he will pick) and they said "well shit dude, you have to say it to another one now dumbie." and he decided he could stand Jojo for another week and said it to her. Damn this effed up amazingly terrible show.