Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Bachelorette – Week 2 Thoughts

Week 2, holy shit this is going to be a long season. Here’s some stupid crap that popped into my head this week:

• JoJo is in an oddly good mood for staying in the Westlake Village Inn? Where the hell is her mansion?

• Men should never use the term “butterflies” unless they are referring to ACTUAL butterflies.

 Look! Twinsies!

• First group date is for Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James (one of them), Wells and Robby. I want Luke or Robby in my pants. That is all.

• Professions include Former Swimmer, Hipster, and Veteran. Do any of them actually do anything NOW?

• Fire Academy date is right up there with the worst dates from this show that I would fucking hate. That looks exhausting and very sweaty. And way to put the firefighter on the firefighting date. He still doesn’t do it for me, by the way.

• Chad. This entire episode is about Chad so let’s just break this down now. He has a point, when he says the other dudes might be pussies. And that they’re all jumping the gun a bit with their feelings for her. HOWEVER, he straps his suitcase to his waist to workout, when he knows he’s being filmed. That alone says it all. He also MIGHT be the type of dude who pushes you into a wall when his team loses the Superbowl. Also, I bet when he falls in love with a chick and gets dumped, he turns completely fucking psycho.

• Back at the house, the guys write a song about JoJo and I’m beginning to side with Chad. Just a smidge.

• JoJo likes to kiss, yo. She’s very handsy, whoa. And that includes her hands on her own hair OH MY GOD stop touching it.

• Wells gets the group date rose for being out of shape, which is apparently endearing?

• Derek and JoJo go to San Francisco and then…I don’t know actually because I fell asleep.

 I mean, honestly. Put both of your damn hands on the wheel and OFF your hair.

• Next group date is Jordan, Christian, Nick, James, Alex and Chad. There’s another guy in there, actually, not sure who (you’re welcome for my stellar reporting). They go to ESPN to make asses out of themselves.

• Chad hates everyone and everything.

• The ESPN dudes power rank the guys, with James Taylor winning first place but only because those ESPN dudes don’t have to be the ones who run their hands through his hair.

• For the record, I LIKE James Taylor. He’s sweet and when he kisses JoJo, he doesn’t puss out – he just does it, like a man. But then there’s the hair and the whole songwriter thing. You have to be REALLY good and pretty famous for songwriting to be a turn-on.

• Chad says to the camera that JoJo doesn’t want a guy who kisses her ass. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps…but I don’t think she wants a big fuckface either…CHAD.

• Alex is an annoying babypants at the cocktail party. Chad sucks but just ignore him, dude. Alex is SUPER pissy pants and his wee little suit is prancing all over the house yelling at him. Sort of.

• Chad still eating at the rose ceremony is the best.

Rose Ceremony 

Derek, Wells and James Taylor already have roses. Others go to:

Alex – Shorty McShortpants with a grudge
Christian – I hear he likes cats. This makes sense.
Robby – Mama like. Mmmmm.
Luke – Mama also like. Mmmmm. But do NOT touch my face when we makeout.
Chase – No idea.
Jordan – Football player dude who looks much less attractive when his hair falls into his face.
Grant – Firefighter who is NOT allowed on top of me naked.
Ali – Hairy, short and sweet.
Daniel – Drunk dude who calmed down this week but loves his black tank top.
James F. – Nope I got nothing.
Nick – Very smiley.
Vinny – Yo Vinny! Nope, nothing.
Evan – Penis doctor who is MAD at the cocktail party with no tie, no socks and a very tight shirt.
Chad – Hates everyone and INSISTS on only showing a super manly side of himself AT ALL TIMES. He screams insecurity. He also screams, “Yo I’m a dickface!”

Therefore, these three dudes head home:

James - The Superfan
Brandon – The Hipster who hasn’t seen the show, so this is no big deal because he doesn’t know that other people stayed. He just thought the show was over.
Will – Yeah, no.

See you guys soon!


  1. Oh Jen -- always ready to hear your take and I love it. I honestly don't know how you do this either -- it's such an old boring format. If they kept the bloopers in -- it would be so much better to hack two whole hours. Chad sucked up the whole 2 hours -- and the producers wanted at least one shithead -- so he got the job. He's surely already booked for Bachelor in Paradise. Hearty laugh re Brandon -- yes, maybe he did think the show was over. Won't he be surprised!!

  2. I think Grant looks like the Snow Miser from A Year Without a Santa Claus. No one wants that on top of them.

  3. I think Grant looks like the Snow Miser from A Year Without a Santa Claus. No one wants that on top of them.

  4. Besides JoJo not having her hands on the wheel while arranging her hair (good grief -- it's a convertible JoJo!!),they didn't have seatbelts on! I wonder if the producer said it messes up the look. Is someone sitting on the floor taping all this? Gotta be a tiny guy!

  5. You're comments make me laugh out loud everytime! I almost didn't want to watch this season because I'm pregnant, highly irritable, tired, and nauseous but then I would miss you're comments too much..thanks for the laughs

  6. "You have to be REALLY good and pretty famous for songwriting to be a turn-on."

    So true!! Love your pearls of wisdom -- your recaps are the best. Thanks for suffering through another season for us! And the bullet format is perfect.

  7. At no time is my dream guy singing my name with a bunch of bros. Gross. So gross.

  8. Chase is the one who gave her fake snow showers, ha. I completely agree about Jordan. So not attractive when his hair goes in his face.