Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/29 Thoughts

Now I wonder if there’s just no end to this? They’ll just shuttle skanks in and out for the next 15 years?


• Wells has never been so popular with women in his entire life.

• Ashley is blazing new trails and creating new meanings for the term “hot mess”. I mean, really, people, she’s special.

• She’s VERY tired of seeing Caila with Jared. So then leave? How does this logic escape her?

• I bet Ashley’s dog committed suicide. Or faked his own death to have a healthier relationship with a normal owner.

• I love how everyone is selling Ashley to Wells, convincing him to ask her out, but NOT telling him the truth about her. Everyone glosses over the “but why should I ask her out” question.

• Their date is fine, but he’s definitely not interested in her. At all.

THIS is why they never really eat on dates on this show.

• I’m not sure, but it feels like a bad decision to feed stray Mexican dogs your leftover tacos?

• ALL of these ladies’ eyelashes are a hot Mexican mess. Whoa.

• Lace is a fucking mess of a child. She plays the same attention-getting games I did in college. And once last week with my husband.

• Nick says he likes Jen and it’s going well. He says, “She’s not a strong personality.” Code for snooze-city.

• I do not understand the upper level bed with the revolving door. It’s the sex den? And they all just take turns? I do not want to have sex where Evan’s ejaculate may be.

• Who told Carly that red lace outfit was acceptable? I mean, it’s not even close. It looks like something the owner of a whorehouse would wear in an 80’s movie.

• Daniel gives one twin a plate of shitty American food in an attempt to woo her and get her rose. Makes sense because her odds of having the runs in that Mexican hut hotel aren’t good enough as it is, so let’s add some imported chicken nuggets into the mix.

• Twins bug Nick about Josh, and Nick is completely sane, rational and calm. He is the voice of reason, people. He’s the mature one. And he’s hot. Mama likes Nick now! Anyway, the twins need to mind their own fucking business.

• At the rose ceremony, roses go to predictable couples, and then the twins decide to leave and not give their roses out. I don’t get this at all. Why don’t they give it to Daniel and Carl/Bob/Steve, whoever, and just say it’s not because they like them but it’s fun to hang out in paradise? Whatever.

• On their way out the door, they tell Amanda Josh’s intentions aren’t pure. This is so fucking annoying. They say it like it’s a fact and they also say it all dramatic and bitchy. They should’ve said, “We think the dude sucks and has a major temper problem. We think he might be here just to fix his image but we have no real idea. But we just wanted to tell you our opinions and concerns.” But this assumes twins are rational, normal people.

• Josh MAD when he finds out. ME JOSH, JOSH MAD. He yells and Nick says it best when he says, “You could see Josh trying to stay calm and he couldn’t.” This dude would be a nightmare to date.

• Josh yells, “How dare you think I’m disingenuous!” Now he’s making up big fancy words. What? That’s a real word? Oh. Well it sounds big and fake.

• Annoying ass Jami shows up at 5:30am and meets Wells at the pool. She asks him out and they leave. They go off-roading and Wells claims he’s having a great date. For the record, that’s not because of Jami, but the off-roading thing.

• They go cliff-diving and by “cliff-diving”, I mean “shallow rock jumping”. And she plugs her nose, which is a total fucking dealbreaker for me. I have no idea why but this infuriates me. Just jump in and blow out your nose when you hit the water. There. I just taught you how to do it. There is NO EXCUSE for a 24-year-old woman to plug her nose when jumping into a body of water.

• Caila is becoming the second most annoying woman on this show, with her constant whining about Ashley. Fucking forget about her and just hang out with Jared. Stop being high maintenance and needy. Thank God I’ve never been an annoying girl like that. Oh wait…

OK More tonight…and then more next week? And perhaps the week after that.


  1. Thanks for your input Jen. Yes, holding one's nose while jumping in water is off-putting. Doesn't it seem like too many of these people want out of paradise? What about trying to be normal and staying with your vacation plans?
    Susan in CA

  2. Ive been following your blog al the way from holland since it was here. Like 4 years now and im always cracking up. Love to read this. Keep them comming Jenn. The longer the better hahahap

  3. Yes yes and yes. Josh is an insecure, rag-a-holic douche canoe and Nick calls em as he sees em! Ashley is the real life incarnation of a freaking Tele novella. Besides Kayla being annoying with her constant worry about whether Ashley is paying attention to them or not… Jared makes me want to punch somebody in the face with his constant enabling of Ashley. She's not your friend, she's not sane, she didn't do it to protect you, she's a fucking idiot and you have to tell her so. Until he does he is dead to us all! Plus that goddamn, annoying cry face she makes is so embarrassing that sometimes I have to look away from the TV even when I'm sitting by myself. Oy. PS... Your blog rocks!

  4. Oh crap, I turn 47 in 2 months & I still plug my nose when jumping in a lake... I'm paranoid about that brain eating amoeba! Right??! Anyone??

  5. Hi Jen! The room upstairs is called the "boom boom room" (gross). So, yes, they all have to share one room where they can get it on. Also, have you noticed that everyone in bachelor world uses the word "disingenuous"? "Self-aware" is also really popular. It's like one person came up with the word, and then the others followed, which kind of has the opposite effect of making them seem intelligent! "Self-aware" is not a bad word, it's just overused, but every time someone says "disingenuous", it makes me irritated!

  6. Evan is a walking billboard for his ED clinic with his constant tent pitching lol.
    Also, I've never liked josh. He seems like a psycho.

  7. Can't believe Amanda would pick a guy like Josh, (and they moved in together now!)when she has 2 little girls to consider. They are only shown kissing, so I wonder if they have any kind of serious discussion. Amanda has zero personality -- that just means that Josh can take over with his behavior and demands -- this will not work out. He's covering his butt after the book about him being verbally abusive, just to show that he's a good guy. Won't work. Evan and Carly -- beyond cute and both so very goofy. I don't know where they dug up some of the cast -- they are so lame.

  8. I hate Ashley I, not because she's less rationale than my 2 year old daughter, but because I am so annoyed by her after I turn the TV off. Don't get me wrong, Jared is about as smart as a bag of spanners and Caila needs to stop staring when someone is telling her she sucks. 1. Jared, grow some balls and tell your crazy ex to leave. There is a nice guy and then there is a dumb guy acting nice. Congrats you let the crazy mean girl get between you and Caila. Speaking of, could she please just call Ashley out on her BS. This is probably what has me so annoyed. The whole narrative of 'You're not that into Jared and I'm protecting him' Bitch call her out?!?
    I don't think I can take any more Ashly I crying in Paradise....

  9. Ashley made a sight comeback when she said she was a Hanson fan, but then slipped again when she decided to kill Jared's relationship again. And I'm over her saying she is over him. Bitch, it has been 1 day. He needs to grow a pair and tell her to go away.

    The twins leaving was stupid, but no where near as stupid as Amanda thinking that Josh is a good guy. How she can allow that around her kids...nominee for bad mom of the year award.

    I didn't like Nick until this season, now I find him relatable, cute, and funny. So glad he is the bachelor. Next season will be fun.

  10. Ashley is every guys worst nightmare ex - I mean, watching a movie about her on Halloween would scare the absolute crap out of me. Its made worse with how dumb Jared is. The guy has this shit eating grin while she cry's about NOTHING. Man up and drop that bitch.

    Josh is one cold Pizza away from killing someone. I was dying when he called a team meeting on the beach about a 'he said, she said' moment. The eyes, THE EYES - I was worried one would pop out and he'd have to endure a Mexico Hospital trip like Evan.

    By the way, what's the over/ under Evan has some weird disease now from that glove-less IV needle moment?
    Can Lace actually see through lose lashes and is anyone else a little sad they allow a sever alcoholic with mental issues on TV?

    Also - Since when did this show require a proposal to leave Paradise together? Josh hasn't even met her kids! Does he know she has kids?
    Sorry - Not Sorry

  11. The boom boom room!! Just hilarious!!! I think josh also is one minor argument away from a full blown freak out!! When he smacks Amanda's ass as she's dead asleep in the nasty sex bed and says "good talk"...WHAT!!!! And I just finished Andi's book (in one day..and I have a toddler!) There is no way she made any of that stuff up...he seems to have some serious issues...run Amanda...run!!! Love reading your blog!!!

  12. I love your blog Jen! But I have to defend us nose pluggers. I've always had to do this, which I hate, as I love water sports and hate coming across as a sissy. I have sinus problems and blowing bubbles does shit all! In fact water up there hurts like a bitch!!