Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/30 Thoughts

I now hate Caila, Jared and Ashley. I hate Ashley the most, with Jared a close second. How does he not just scream at her and tell her she’s fucking crazy? And a total snatch? JARED: She is not doing this to protect you. I mean, come on. Oh and good news folks – next week is the finale! And Nick is the next Bachelor. Two pieces of good news.

Other thoughts:

• Ashley said that Jared made her feel safe and loved. Ummm, like the time he told you he loved you like a sister? Or the time he felt up Caila boobs while standing five feet from you? Totes true love. You psycho.

• Caila leaves and Jared goes with her, which is great because it’ll shut Ashley the fuck up. Also, Jared seems to have forgotten his luggage. And does he have his passport in his back pocket? Because if he doesn’t, that could be tricky getting through Immigration. But sure, super romantic. (?)

• Ashley has a light bulb moment when she realizes Wells likes her more when she’s not fucking crazy. Now we need to give her a few minutes to see if that logic carries over to everyone else in the goddamn universe. Honey, we ALL like you better when you’re not a psycho asshole.

• Neither Jami nor Ashley remotely stand a chance with Wells. Pluuuuease. He’s just enjoying the fact girls want to put their tongue in his mouth.

• Lauren and her SUPER Midwest accent arrive in Paradise along with Shushanna, who seems like a nice, dumb, albeit slightly slutty addition. She also walks like she has a pole stuck in her butthole.

• Lauren asks Brett out (someone please explain the attraction to lamp dude. Mama don’t get it). Shu asks Wells out, who seriously cannot believe his luck this week.

• When Brett says yes to Lauren, you can almost hear Vinny, all the way from home in New Jersey, yelling “YEEEEEEEES! SUCK IT IZZY!”

• Despite the fact he almost kills her with his surfboard, Lauren tells Brent she’s very attrAAAAActed to him. I don’t know how else to do Midwest accent in writing.

• Amanda is talking about getting engaged to Josh and I almost pass out from running around my living room shouting, “Noooooo you IDIOT!”

• I have two kids and I love kids, they’re a blessing, blah blah blah, but Josh is in for a rude awakening when he gets back to the real world with her. Taking care of two kids under age 5 is a far cry from sex noises 24-7 in Mexico.

OK Folks, that’s about it. See you for the finale next week. Neil Lane yo!


  1. Your take on this is so hilarious. You say it the way I'm thinking -- except you like dwibe Nick. Can someone straighten his curls?! I know his Momma loves them though. Sorry Momma. Love your comment about Vinny's cheers when Izzy gets thrown to the curb! Amanda and Josh -- yeah, little kids, no matter how sweet, will make him nuts and it won't be long before they get under his skin. His slurping tongue kisses and grunting will wake them up and then he'll be mad when Amanda gets out of bed to calm her daughters down. He won't like that. And then the police will come because of a disturbance. This will happen within the first month.

  2. HAHA Jen you are so funny. Neil Lane Yo!

  3. Thank you Jen for another season of laughs!

    Even a day late and a dollar short, your write-ups are now the only reason to watch this crapola show!