Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise 8/8 Thoughts

Thoughts on this unbelievably scripted shitshow:

• Leah from Ben’s season decided that pretty and natural wasn’t working for her, so she went for a new trampy/severe look. Whoa. She’s wearing full nighttime, smoky eye makeup. During the day. On the beach. Her eye shadow is sparkly for fucks’ sake.

• She is sad Chad left because she wants to give him her date card. They all tell her that he’s actually awful, aggressive and violent… and she’s still sad. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she’s a wee bit fucked up.

• Leah asks Nick out and they head to the totally fake “Festival de Margaritas”. That sounds like a party I would have at my house for aged 40+ suburban moms.

• Lace’s hair and eyelashes are a total disaster. The extensions looked bad on day 1. Add in three days of tequila, chlorine and Grant’s sperm in her hair and they need an immediate deep conditioning. And those eyelashes are insanely stupid looking. Clump city.

• Amanda…seems nice, but not THAT hot and says “like” waaaaay too much. And has two kids. What’s the appeal?

• Leah and Nick kiss and it’s awful. I’m definitely under my couch. So awkward.

• Dick producers give Nick a date card immediately after he gets home from his date with Leah because they know he doesn’t like her and they like to set chicks up to cry. As expected, he asks Amanda out. And Leah cries and I’m cringing because if she gets tears on that face of cosmetics, that shit might make an unrepairable mess.

• On their date, Nick tells Amanda he likes girls with bold personalities and says Amanda has that edge. Ummm come again?

• Evan and Carly kiss and I’m definitely under the sofa again. Holy fuck, stop.

 OMG no no no.

• Grant and Lace bang in his bedroom, keeping their microphones on so we can hear all the moans. I feel like vomiting.

• Sarah and Vinny bond and he kisses her. He seems so sweet. Then he turns around and kisses Izzy. I get that this show is about playing the field but that just seems uber lame.

• Nick tells Leah he’s giving his rose to Amanda. She says she feels blindsided. That’s the second time in less than five hours, she’s been “blindsided.” Perhaps that’s because of all the dark shit in her eyes.

• Is Leah wearing a boob chain?

• Leah says she’s not crazy. And that she has lots of layers. If you’re not crazy and actually have a lot of layers, you don’t tell people you’re not crazy and have a lot of layers.

Rose Ceremony 

Grant gives his rose to Lace and her extensions, Nick gives his rose to Amanda, Evan to Carly, Jared to Emily (and Haley), Vinny to Izzy (dick) and Daniel to Sarah. Therefore Jubilee and Leah head home. No loss there.

• Josh, from Andi’s season, gets there and this guy is such a bullshit schmooze, my god.

• He asks Amanda out and they kiss. A lot. And then some more. Anytime he actually talks to her, he just oozes gross. He is hot though.

• Andi wrote a tell-all book and apparently bashes Josh in the book. When asked about it, he says, “How do I comment on that? It’s fictional.” Umm, here’s how you comment on it: “I feel like Andi didn’t tell the truth in her book and that hurts.” Not that hard, right?

• Dick producers now give Evan the date card because they know he likes Carly and they know Carly doesn’t like him. She’s kind of funny but it quickly turns pretty bitchy.

• The longest, hottest world record kiss between them is so fucking disgusting I want to vomit. She actually does.

• Josh moans when he kisses. That is a massive deal breaker. No no no.

OK That’s all for now. But don’t worry, it’s on again TONIGHT. Jesus.


  1. If we are going to have layers, can we just be a cake? And I liked Carly on previous seasons, but I agree she's kind of crossing a line here.

    1. Yeah, I had liked Carly before, but I lost a lot of respect for her here. She didn't have to be so mean and about not being romantically interested.

  2. "Three days of tequila, chlorine, and Grant's sperm..." ������


  4. Leah: I have many layers, like an onion.
    Daniel: So you'll make me cry, like an onion?
    Leah: No...I'm not like an onion.
    Daniel: So you're like an orange. One layer.
    Leah: ???

    HAHAHAHAHAHA I'm liking Daniel more and more on BiP.
    JoJo didn't like how Ben told 2 women he loves them. Then she goes and tells two men she loves them.
    Carly didn't like how that other guy lead her on then broke up with her. Then she leads Evan on and breaks up with him.

    Are the producers into irony now?