Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise Premiere Thoughts

YOU GUYS. This shit is amazing. This is what the whole franchise should be about. Just the worst of the worst, no promises of love, just straight-up drunk assholes. I LOVE IT.

No, I kid, I kid. I mean, sort of. It’s also nice when they show people actually like each other but you cannot deny the entertainment factor of last night. I mean, COME ON. Daniel alone? Chad too, of course, but that’s more obvious. When you get a dude like Daniel, you have to just wonder where he’ll end up in life. Will someone actually marry him? Decent looking guy and I love when he’s the voice of reason, trying to talk Chad down…but then he compares himself to herpes and you just wonder if he knows what he’ll sound like?

OK so far we have: Emily and Haley (twins), Nick (again), Jubilee (weird war vet), Evan (erectile dysfunction guy), Chad (no explanation necessary), Lace (crazy, trying to convince herself she’s not crazy anymore. Spoiler alert: She still is), Daniel, Vinny, Izzy (seriously, who?), Carly, Grant, Sarah, and Amanda. I think that’s it. Here are some more thoughts:

• Jubilee realizes she has a resting bitch face and vows to change it. Does she know she also has a moving bitch face? OMG rude, Jen. Sorry, Jubes. I’ll give you another chance…but you do seem a little odd so far.

• Carly is planning to test drive some cars while she’s there. So that doesn’t make her sound whorey at all.

• Daniel says the girls there all look like fruit that has been bruised in transportation and I pray he never leaves this show.

 • Jubes asks Jared out on a date and by the look on his face, I think Jared really would have preferred to stay drunk in that pool all night.

• Lace and Chad hook up, then hit each other a lot, then drink a LOT, then fight a lot, then break up. Chad tries to hit Evan and Daniel and then calls Sara a “one-armed bitch”. Soooo yeaaaah, if that doesn’t clear things up about Chad, I don’t know what does. Guy is an asshole – pretty simple.

• Stranger Izzy and Vinny hook up – he didn’t want to kiss her but she goes for it. She might as well – it’s not like her reputation can be tarnished, as nobody knows who the shit she is.

• Chad is walking around growling and it’s amazing. Oh and Daniel tells him that he’ll “take him down to Chinatown.” I mean, people – this is the best show ever.

• Chad passes out with a crab in his hair and his microphone in his mouth. Then he shits his pants, and I kind of can’t believe the producers aired that part. Again, this show is amazing.

• Picturing Evan on top of me naked makes me shudder in fear. If that feeling wasn’t cemented before, seeing him in those sunglasses nailed that coffin shut.

• Chad gets sent home and he claims it’s because nobody can take a joke. He’s right – SARAH, you should totally laugh that off – where’s your sense of humor? It’s not like you’re missing a leg or torso, it’s JUST an arm.

• If anyone thinks the above bullet is NOT sarcasm, please revisit the rest of my blog until you realize I’m a smart ass 90% of the time.

• Do you think Harrison really went to bed in a rowboat with a mimosa in his hand? That actually sounds kind of nice.

I can’t believe this shit is EVERY Monday and EVERY Tuesday. That’s kind of awesome? I think? I’ll let you know if it’s not awesome in a couple weeks. See you next week!


  1. Soooo happy to see you're posting BIP, Jen! Yay for us!
    I wonder WHY the unknown Izzy is there- hmmm, they must've had a hard time filling the females spots??? I really hate watching Chad. I'll be glad when he's gone. He sucks up too much air time. I too was a bit surprised they aired the crapping in pants (or maybe it was just a fart? but the intent was there) and how in the heck did they get by showing us Chad's naked backside? I thought network tv had some standards!??? It's sad watching Lace...
    I actually really like Jubes. Her awkwardness is refreshingly real - and entertaining too. I also hate watching Evan. He's just so ewwww.
    I too LOVE hearing Daniel talk- He would be the insensitive, villainized cast member (some of his comments are NOT so nice) if Chad wasn't there. He's hilarious. He's full of Southernish quips that don't totally make sense. That talk of eagles, pigeons, and pterodactyls (or whatever) was great- I hope he always gets a rose just so he can entertain me. 2 nights a week? G.R.E.A.T.

  2. Loved the whole trashfest that was last night's BIP. Well, except for the part where Chad shows just what a psychopath he is and Lace thinks that's she's done some work on herself but she's still a total, self-esteem-less mess. Daniel is gold. Carly needs to fix the hair. Amanda needs to go home to her babies and stop thinking that she's going to find a daddy for them in 3 weeks' time. Evan needs to learn how to fight.

  3. Haha I have only continued watching bachelor and bachelorette because of your blog. BIP is amazing and I sadly would continue watching even if you didn't blog. As far as Chris Harrison going to bed in a rowboat with a mimosa I thought Chad said Harrisom went to bed with a robe on and a mimosa in hand. I'm not sure which is funnier at the moment....

    1. Agreed - I'm not sure which made me laugh harder... when Chad said Chris went to bed with a robe on, or when Jen said he went to bed in a rowboat. Equally fantastic!

  4. BAHAHAHA! The AWESOME you is back!!! I've SO missed this!!!

    Fucking rowboat! You need Miracle Ears,
    Babe! LOL!

    Love you, Chica! ��

  5. Unknown Izzy is there because Olivia from Ben's season said no. I heard her on a podcast called Here to Make Friends and she said the producers called her but she turned them down.

    1. They usually call a whole bunch of people and then pick their cast. In the first season they even flew someone out to Mexico (can't remember who) and didn't let him on the show because they didn't need him after all.

  6. So on "Unreal", a fictional show loosely based on the Bachelor, a character totally crapped herself this week, so when Chad did it, it already felt like it had been done. Anyway, total train wreck that I just can't look away from!!!! Thanks for your blog, love it!

  7. Evan must be better in person, just like Nick must be better in person. I have certainly experienced say yes to a 6 or 7 in photo and he shows up and is an 8 or 9. They said he has pretty eyes so I tried to pay attention to them when he was talking and I think they are right! Anyway, Daniel, wow. Yes he needs to stick around but he's got an IQ of like 2. He and the Twins should get along great. They have a combined IQ of 2.
    The Chad shitting himself was hilarious. Wow. So glad he's gone but the spoilers show him coming back again? Like on Jojo's season...doesn't this show have security?? He's actually dangerous. I hope everyone is okay next week, I am actually concerned.

  8. Watching everyone confront Chad actually made me mad. And for still-crazy-Lacy to want an apology from him was just stupid. They had one of those things where you get off on controlling the other, on besting the other. When he finally best her, she got mad. And the dude was so drunk he shit himself. She didn't deserve an apology from him, especially because she helped create that chaos.

    And why was Nick always sitting with the 3 blonds? He looked like the gay best friend with the pretty popular girls.