Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Four Thoughts

I know one’s hearing starts to decline after the age of 40, so I’m curious if I’m the only one who can’t understand 92% of what Nick says? Let’s go - my thoughts…

 • Raven says, “Corinne must feel really threatened to just lead with her sexuality every time.” For a woman who makes such horrendous fashion decisions, she is oddly the voice of reason.

 The shirt. I mean...


• Taylor and Sarah wake up Corinne to basically yell at her and tell her she’s annoying. Corinne says to the camera, “You guys, just do you. I’m gonna do me.” For once, I agree with Corinne. You can hate her – that’s fine. But why do you insist on waking her ass up to let her know?

Rose Ceremony 

Vanessa, Rachel and Danielle (not the blondie. The Asian-y one with big ol’ boobies) already have roses. The others go to:

Raven – Voice of reason. Cute. Perhaps crazy, we’ll see.
Taylor – 23-year-old mental health counselor who has actually never counseled but has a shiny new degree legally allowing her to do so even though I doubt her future success in this capacity.
Whitney – Still no clue.
Kristina – Russian mafia.
Jasmine – Sassy black dancer. Code for annoying black dancer.
Alexis – dolphin lover. Seriously love her but seriously has a screw loose.
Astrid – floppy boob girl from track date last week. Also will she accept this rose? “Ruff! Yes I Ru!” That’s Astro from the Jetsons. I can’t say her name without thinking Astro.
Danielle – The other one. The blond one with small eyes. But cute.
Jaimi – balls up her nose. I SWEAR I’M NOT A LESBIAN.
Josephine – Unfortunate extensions. Seems fun. No way in God’s green earth she ends up with Nick.
Sarah – Teacher who likes to yell at Corinne.
Corinne – Disaster all around. She’d be really cute too if she wasn’t such a fucking nightmare.

So Brittany and Christen head home. Christen looks totally stoned when she says goodbye to Nick. It’s like she couldn’t decide if she was going to act mad or hurt and still hadn’t decided by the time she got up to him, so just settled on stoned and neutral.

OK More thoughts:

• Smitty walks in to tell the girls they’re about to start a journey that will take them around the globe. Well, some of you. And you get to start with….WISCONSIN! Wait, what?

• Nick and Danielle (boobie one), have the first one-on-one date and they head to a bakery to make Nickerdoodle cookies, which made me laugh out loud. Although I’m certain having Nick and boobs in the kitchen, with no gloves, making out all over the cookies violates all sorts of health codes.

• They make cookies that look like each other and then put them together to pretend they’re kissing. I really wanted Danielle to throw hers down on a chair and then yell, “Sit on my face, Nick!”

• Her laugh is tough, you guys.

• They run into one of his ex-girlfriends who tries REALLY hard to keep her engagement ring in Nick’s full view.

• They have cocktails at some hotel and I think her nipples might be blurred out. That is some serious cleavage, which looks great, sure, but is bordering on just full-on ABC boob exposure.

• He gives her the rose and walks her into a full stadium of screaming people watching Chris Lane (who?) perform. They dance and make out, marking the second time in a week they are forced to awkwardly dance and kiss in front of a theater of people.

• Group date is for: Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Danielle and Corinne. It’s on a farm which is odd considering Nick has never stepped foot on a farm before. But he had a friend once with a farm, so close enough!

 Jaimi's white nails going to town on that cow's udder = image that will haunt my dreams

• Corinne complains about the shit everywhere, the flies everywhere and having to work hard, sweat and watch Jaimi work a cow udder. For the second time this episode, I agree with her. What an awful date. Where’s my yacht and alcohol? No thanks, manure date.

• They all shower and head to a cocktail party and I realize something. The absolute worst part about being on this show is all the showering. These chicks just got all clean and made up to go on the date. Then fell in poop and smelled like flies and tractors and had to shower all over again. So annoying.

 • Corinne hears the girls talking shit about her. She says, “I THINK some girls have a problem with me.” And claims she’s smart because she figured this out. This isn’t brainpower. This is just having ears.

• Sarah yells at Corinne some more, demanding that she tell her why she thinks she’s ready to marry a 36 year-old dude. To which I reply, “None of your fucking business, SARAH.” I mean, Sarah isn’t wrong, but I really want Corinne to yell at her and tell her she doesn’t have to answer to Sarah’s face.

• I just realized Nick’s sweater on this date makes him look like an old man. Or Mr. Rodgers. Just casually walking around from fake living room to fake living room filled with too much dark leather furniture making out with everyone.

• Kristina gets the rose. I guess Nick wanted to mix things up. I mean, he can’t give every rose to Vanessa, Boobs and Corinne’s vagine.

• One-on-one date with Raven is a close second in shittiest dates ever, behind the farm date. Watching a 10-year-old soccer game when the kid isn’t mine? And then roller skating with 20 of her friends? Where are all these 10 year old’s moms? Chicks like me, who totally know and love the Bachelor? They were probably all drunk in the roller rink party room, staring at Nick. Also, did every single parent of all the kids on both soccer teams have to sign waivers to be on TV? Things a 41 year-old blogger thinks about.

Hold the phone, is this kid INSIDE the machine? That doesn’t seem right. 


• They head to dinner at an awesome museum. They roller skate around it after dinner and I’m CERTAIN the museum didn’t OK that shit.

• Raven tells Nick about the time she walked in on her boyfriend thrusting another woman. Let’s stop here for a moment. Do not EVER use the term “thrust” unless you’re talking about an airplane and the mechanics of lift. Do not EVER use it while discussing intercourse. Also don’t use the term intercourse.

• She beat the shit out of him, which is great because he deserved it, but also slightly terrifying.

• He gives her the rose, mostly because he’s afraid.

• Taylor and Corinne decide to snuggle together under a blanket by the fire to talk about how much they hate each other. The bottom line is this: They’re both YOUNG and kind of asshole-y.

That’s it. I hate it when I don’t get an end-of episode rose ceremony. See you next week!

8 comments:

  1. I'm usually just a lurker on your blog (I discovered it via a friend) but since Corrine is such a dominant topic in your recaps I thought you should know that someone started a (fake) twitter account for Corrine's nanny (@corrines_nanny) and it's pretty funny.

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  2. This isn't a spoiler at all but on Reality Steves website..someone sent him phone video of Danielle and Nick dancing. Apparently her nipples broke free a few times. As they are filming you can hear the girl scream her nipples out on 2 different occasions. It was hilarious.

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    1. True facts... I was at the concert a few rows back and her boobs were continuously coming out but we thought she was wearing nip tape.

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  3. As a current breastfeeding bachelor fan, I'm living vicariously through Danielle's cleavage and nipple blurs. And if I ever start a band, it will be called the latter.

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  4. Hi again, Miss Jen! Love love LoVe your recaps, as always! Thank you, thank you!
    I have a few thoughts, from the guy’s perspective! (Yes, I know, SHOCKER!)
    -------
    I put the majority of my comments on your FB page since I always get this on here:

    "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Must be at most 4,096 characters".

    I mean, seriously, do they really expect me to keep my comments under that limit??!! LOL
    ------
    Corinne and Taylor: The bitchy callout. "I want to literally punch her in the face."

    Did you really have to cut it right there, a-hole proDOUCHErs???!!!!

    Can’t wait! The suspense is killing me! (OK, not really.) LOL

    Guess we’ll catch ya next week, Miss Jennifer! Have a great one.

    Miss you, love you, hug you!

    ~B2 and Mrs. E

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  5. Thoughts:
    -If I walked into a mental health appointment and Taylor was my counselor, I'd demand to see someone else. No one embodies "smug, I-am-awesome-at-everything Millennial" more than this Taylor chick.
    -Anyone who thinks that Corinne is anything more than someone just trying to get on Bachelor in Paradise (and future offerings in this franchise) needs to stop taking life so seriously. You'll be dealing with Corinne in some capacity for the next couple of years, at least.
    -My husband and I both reacted to Danielle's dress in this manner: "Nick looks like he's walking around with a prostitute; I would be so embarrassed."
    -Having a hard time accepting the Raven/stiletto beating story as something cool. Yeah, it's awful that she saw her boyfriend in the act with another woman, but she assaulted someone. That wasn't a case of self-defense. If a man described that situation ("...so I took off my shoe and started beating my girlfriend"), everyone would be up in arms and demand that the guy get carted off to jail. ABC might not even air it, or they would frame it as a "very special episode" and have a live special afterward to help everyone process their feelings. Why is it cool that Raven assaulted someone? And I guess the boyfriend didn't press charges.

    Anyway...

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  6. Is Chris Lane Neil Lane's son?

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  7. Haha! All the releases! I work in film production and that was ALL that I could think about during that scene with the kids. So much paperwork!

    Thank you for your recaps! They always make me laugh :)

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