Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Eight Thoughts

Hi people. So…confession: I actually watched the Bachelor while I was in Cabo last week. But I was so hammered that I wasn’t even able to find my computer. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to write coherently. WAIT! I should’ve done a drunken video thought-dump! Damn!

So last week, he cut it down to four: Rachel, Corinne, Raven and Vanessa. They also just announced Rachel as the new Bachelorette, so it’s really down to three. And nobody in their right fucking mind would marry Corinne, so its between Raven and Vanessa. I mean…right? Don’t tell me. I don’t read spoilers. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

• As he gives Corinne her rose, he tells her that he’s excited to meet Raquel. Then he adds, “Because no way that shit is real.”

• Wow, Hoxie, Arkansas. I would’ve paid money to see the look on Nick’s face when he walked out of the airport.

• So riding the ATVs in the mud actually looks super fun. Like, to do once or twice, ever. Not every Friday night, followed by humping my boyfriend on top of a grain bin.


 GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF, there are leeches crawling into your vagine. 

• Raven’s family is sweet and lovable and huggy and I love them. Plus I like it when the entire family keeps telling Nick how they thought they’d hate him.

• Rachel takes Nick to church and I want to punch her now. I don’t know why. I just do. There’s no room in the entire planet that Nick belongs in LESS than that one.

• Rachel’s sister married a whitey too. And in an ironic twist, he is forced to do this:

WTF? I’m all for chivalry but get your own ass up. 

 • Does Corinne think spending asshole amounts of money while shopping will make Nick want to be with her? I don’t get it.

• When Nick meets Corinne’s family, he hugs Raquel and I actually hear her whisper, “Ohhh thank you nobody has ever hugged me before. Please get me out of here.”

• Dad scares me a bit. I would not want to piss him off. Plus he’s a drinker, no?

This is totally how I relax on my bed with my DAD.

• At the end of the night, Dad says to the camera, “She’s the lid to Nick’s pot.” Well now THERE’S an analogy I can honestly say I’ve never heard before.

• Vanessa is clearly the hottest and most normal chick there. However, there are glimpses of freaky control shit going on. Like how she demands that Nick go over Italian words and what to say when he walks in the door, etc. I can’t shake this feeling, you guys. Something ain’t right. Call it my Bachelor gift. God, that’s pathetic.

• Things did not go well with Vanessa’s mom. Things also apparently did not go well for Vanessa’s sister in the tanning booth. Whoa.

• Why is THIS the only hometown date where people are talking about their future plans? Sure as fuck NO way Nick is staying in Hoxie, Arkansas.

• Everyone in this family has Vanessa on a giant pedestal and no man will live up to their standards. Of course, it’s NICK, we’re talking about – the reality TV dude, so they might have a point. I’ll shut up now.

• Vanessa’s Dad is terrifying.

• Vanessa’s Dad also totally calls out Nick on the fact that he’s asked FOUR dads for permission to marry their daughters. I mean he has a point. It’s actually a super rational and normal concern. Granted, he doesn’t need to be so fucking scary about it.

• Later on, Vanessa’s Dad tells Vanessa that Nick asked for his permission to marry her but that he also did for all the other chicks too. Vanessa says this makes it less meaningful and they need to reevaluate everything. You HAVE seen this show, no?

• Good ‘ol Andy is there. They might hump. We will see.

See you next week!


  1. YEA!!!! Soo happy you watched the show. I was thinking, we NEED Jen to comment on meet the parents night!!! Nick has run out of choices, but the best of the bunch is Raven. Whoa -- the splashing in the mud kissing was sexy as all heck. Process of elimination -- Rachel's out and must be happy about that. Corinne is a loser and he knows it but will probably take her to the end along with Raven -- Corinne's breakdown will be fun! Vanessa -- oh you are so right, Jen. Control issues here. Run Nick! Andi has one purpose -- thinking to tell Nick she wishes she would have picked Nick instead of that asshole Murray. Alas, Nick is hot for Raven, so no humping! By the way, Raven's clothes are all cute slips. I guess that's what she sells in her boutique. Nick will get her out of that town -- but Milwaukee isn't exactly thrill city either!

    1. I agree with everything you said except about Milwaukee my hometown.☹️

    2. So sorry, AMV!! I am from Wisconsin too!!! I've been to Milwaukee and the waterfront is lovely so that was not nice of me to say! Sorry again! Thrill city for me is in the islands somewhere. I live on the East coast now, but friends still say I have a cute Wisconsin accent!

  2. Thanks as always for a great recap! Sadly, I think Corrinne might be the most normal person in that family. I think Raquel might have slipped Nick a note asking for him to please call the police so she can escape.

    1. I agree with everything you said except about Milwaukee my hometown. :-(

  3. To be fair, my girlfriend who lives in Canada says they don't always get the show up there, so Vanessa may legitimately not have seen as much of the show. And while we're on the subject of the future, do we know, does Nick actually have a job?? With Corinne's dad they talked about what he USED to do, but I don't see why it would be unreasonable to ask Nick to go to Vanessa when she has her whole life and job and network up there and he has...... what exactly? I mean, what has he been doing with HIS life in the last year or two? (Other than humping and dry humping everyone?)

    1. Does your friend live somewhere very remote? The Bachelor airs on several channels and insanely popular here in Canada, so if Vanessa hasn't seen it, it's likely because she just isn't a fan. But I think what's more likely is that she truly felt they had something special and that she was "the one" no matter what she knew about the show beforehand, so it was still hard for her to hear that he asked the other dads to marry their daughters.

    2. I live in Montreal, like Vanessa, and I can assure you that we get all of the US channels including ABC. As for Nick moving to Montreal - ain't gonna happen. First, you need to speak French in order to get any kind of a job. Secondly, rumor has it that Nick has moved to LA because he really wants a career as an actor.

  4. Jen! Drunken video blog! Hell yes!! and you don't have to be in Cabo, either!

    Vanessa is hot and smart and we were trying to figure out why she is single - scary daddy and control issues would explain it. She needs a manly-man Canadian - do they exist? Maybe a fireman or a Mountie or a Marine?