Monday, February 27, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Nine Thoughts

YOU GUYS. It ended after 60 minutes! It was amazing! The night hadn’t dragged on for 4000 fucking minutes and I didn’t want to pull my eyes out yet. Why can’t it always be one hour? And then Harrison dick punches us all by telling us next week is three goddamn hours? I mean, that is sadistic shit.

OK Thoughts:

• Andi segment is ridiculous. Awkward city when she walks in, followed by sex talk (“bang away, good sir”, she says), and almost-flirting. Gross.

• Rose ceremony takeaways: Raven is sparkly, Vanessa’s boob is ready to jump out and say bonjour, and Corinne’s platinum vagine is given the big boot.

• Corinne wins points in my book for two reasons: 1) She doesn’t demand answers from Nick as to why she was deleted (He just doesn’t like you as much. It’s not rocket science, it never is). And 2) She says she won’t ever kiss a man’s ass again. Good for you, girlfriend. I mean, you totally will, but it’s good to have goals. Also, you didn’t really kiss Nick’s ass – you threw your ass ON him. Is that what you meant?

• They go to Finland. It’s the Northest Nick has ever been, just FYI.

• Raven and Nick take a helicopter ride and then head to a pub to play darts. She says, “I feel like this could be an every day kind of thing if we were together.” Why do they ALWAYS say this? You are jobless, in Finland for fucks’ sake, and about to have sex with a new dude for 14 hours straight in a glass hut under the Northern Lights. Nothing about this situation is everyday. Except for the 14 hours of sex – just ask my husband.

• That was a joke.

• When the local guys are talking to Raven and Nick about playing darts with them, I keep wanting to say “Big Summer Blowout, ya!” Then I remember Frozen was in Norway, not Finland.

• Don’t tell America you haven’t had an orgasm before. Just don’t. Tell Nick when the cameras leave that night. Or just fake one and don’t deal with it.

• Raven says her cheating ex couldn’t give her an orgasm, so she deduces that you must have to trust whoever you’re having sex with to orgasm. My college self vehemently disagrees with this statement. College Jen might even lobby for the opposite statement – distrust and lying dirtbags sometimes makes the best sex. Actually, that’s just something I’ve, ummm, heard.

• Nick’s turtleneck is very… turtlenecky.

• Raven tells us she’s only been “sexually active” with one man. I wonder how many she’s been sexually inactive with? I’ve been sexually inactive with a lot of dudes. It’s so much easier.

OK I’m going to go to sleep and try to save up my energy for next Monday’s marathon.


  1. "Bang away, good sir"- too funny and ridiculously awkward from Andi!

  2. Nick's turtleneck looked like it was slowly consuming him. Also, I never thought I'd like Corinne, but she kind of won me over the last few episodes.