Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Bachelor – Finale Thoughts

It looks really cold in Finland. I recognize this isn’t a groundbreaking comment but after 400 years of blogging, I might be out of shit to say. Here are some thoughts:

• Nick’s Dad, Chris, is talking about the entire Bachelor experience with Nick and says, “At times, going through this was excruciating.” Fuck, I HEAR you on that one, Chris.

• Vanessa is chatting with Nick’s mom and asks her if it’s normal that she doesn’t feel 100% ready to get engaged. I can answer that. Yes, it’s totally normal not to feel 100% ready to get engaged when you’ve been dating a guy for three weeks and he humped someone else LAST NIGHT. However, it is NOT normal to tell your almost-fiancé’s mom that you’re not sure you want to marry her son. Your honesty isn’t going to win you points here. Look, if you want to win this show, you should never be honest. You suck it up and pretend to be something you’re not and pretend you’re OK with this fucked up premise and lie. THEN you’ll win and you can dump out all your crazy once you’ve landed your man. Got it?

• Vanessa asks Nick’s dad if love is enough to make a marriage last. God, I hate her right now. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? Honestly, did you honestly expect him to say, “YUP! Nothing else matters. Not a goddamn thing. Just love.”

• Once dad breaks it to Vanessa that no, dipshit, love is not enough, she starts crying her eyes out. “WHAT?!? I HAVE TO COMPROMISE??! What about Sunday brunch? Fuck this, ‘Nessa OUT.”

• Sigourney Weaver sister wants to know if Nick is concerned his love won’t be reciprocated. He replies, “You HAVE seen my past on this franchise, right?”

• Last date with Vanessa oddly consists of horseback riding (“this is so pretty”, “this is so fun”, “this is really pretty”, “wow, this is pretty), a visit with Santa who may or may not actually be a pedophile, and then a bunch of fighting while sitting on a log. I zone out totally and didn’t hear a second of this. I am SO TIRED of talking about feelings and fears.

• I like it when Vanessa says to the camera that her not knowing if she’s the one yet, makes it less romantic. YOU THINK? That’s like saying when it rains, it’s wet outside. But really, it’s not as romantic when your soon-to-be fiancé still can’t decide if he’ll propose to you or someone else the next day? Weird!

• Ice skating with Raven. I HATE that “kiss me” song. So they have fun together, but this is when I realize he ain’t picking her. They play up their relationship as so easy and playful. They never have to talk about journeys and fears. They just hang out. When it’s so obvious she’s the better play for him, that’s when you know he actually picks the other one. 
Is that a massive dead reindeer they’re sitting on? 

• Raven and Nick are sitting on the couch and she’s not bitching and crying and demanding answers. She says to him, “I’m ready and I love you.” Man, how can he not look at her and think, “Fuck this is so much easier than my alternative.”

• Raven is overly confident. Maybe it’s the orgasm she finally had last week, but she says things like, “The next time I see him he’ll be my fiancé instead of my boyfriend.” Eeeeek.

• NEIL LANE! In FINLAND! He’s all, “It’s cold as shit in Finland.” Also, Neil forgot his jacket so he’s frozen solid, but whatever.

• He pulls out some rings for Nick to check out and says, “Now this one is the biggest ring I’ve ever done.” PICK THAT ONE. Duh. I mean, Nick, come on.

• Neil tries to sell Nick on another ring by calling it “classical”. Nick responds with, “Not classic?” Neil says, “No way. This one is classical.”

• Nick is proposing in the same room where my kids sat on Santa’s lap last Christmas.

• Raven arrives first…the kiss of death. He tells her he loved so much about her, but he’s not in love with her. His heart is somewhere else. She replies with, “I hope it’s in Canada, you dick, because if it’s not, that shit is doomed. Good luck, captain jerk off.” She didn’t say that.

• I cry for Raven and I hate myself for it. He then proposes to Vanessa, but I feel like she’s less crazy here so I’m beginning to like her again. But I won’t like her again in 8 minutes on the After the Final Rose special.

• After the Final Rose: Some Hollywood makeup lady got her fucking hands all over Raven’s face and I’m all, “Where’s my Raven?! Who is this skank?”

• Raven is going to Bachelor in Paradise, where her odds are actually much better.

• Vanessa and Nick are doomed. I never want the final couple to be doomed but these two are. They don’t look happy, especially Nick. She’s all over his ass, guaranteed. I’m shocked to learn she’s heading to America but still, I fear this relationship will suck the life out of both of them.

• I can’t tell if they’ve been fighting a lot or is it just because fucking Chris Harrison asks them no less than 10 times if they’ve been fighting a lot.

• Rachel appears to be on the show for no reason. We just talked to her at the Women Tell All Special. The girl talks like she’s running for office by the way – so politically correct. Anyhoo, we soon realize she’s there so the producers can fuck with her by introducing her to four dudes from her season NOW.

• First guy is black and named Demario. He bought her Vegas plane tickets. Second guy is white, named Blake and told her she smelled good. But this franchise isn’t racist at all.

• Smitty did some crank before the special. Whoa. Host boy is hyped up!

• Dean (white) tells Rachel he’s ready to go black and he’s never going back. Still not racist show.

OK people, it’s all done for now. Rachel’s season starts in May sometime (I think), and Bachelor in Paradise is later this summer. Thanks so much for reading and sticking with me! I love you guys!


  1. Ha, Raven arrived at the Final Rose with a coat, and left with out it.
    That was all I could think of after she left in the cold, LOL

    1. Ha! My dad (yes, i wat h this shitshow with my 70-year-old father) said, "he stole her stole!" And then laughed hysterically at his own joke.

    2. I was yelling at my tv over that too! I mean, hell to the no, you're not gonna stomp my heart and then steal my coat too.

    3. To top off leaving her coat, Chris just stuffed Vanessa's right on top of hers! We were all yelling..get your coat!

    4. I know. That was the worst. Talk about insult to injury!

  2. Thanks for the fun comments, Jen! See you soon! Betting the breakup happens before Nick gets kicked off Dancing with the Stars!

    1. Bingo Claire! He will certainly find another drama show to appear on. If the producers put him on Bachelor in Paradise, I will spit. He thinks he is a star. My ass.

  3. "'NESSA OUT" made me actually LOL.
    The best.

  4. Nick and Vanessa for so doomed the most awkward After the Final Rose, they seriously hate each orhwe. Huge mistake on his part. He will be on Bachelor in Paradise Season 2021. HA!! Thanks for the laughs.

  5. Thanks for another season of blogs (far better than the show) Jen!

  6. Did you catch how Nick's dad was like, umm, Vanessa seems like your type and Nick says yeah, she is, and then his dad follows up with, "and look where that has gotten you thus far!" It was so obvious that Raven was his anti-type, and therefore would have been way better for him... no drama, dote on him, fun.... so naturally he chooses the opposite.
    And then Vanessa says, do I have it in me to break Nick's heart and say no to him.... and all he had to do was "tell her what she wanted to hear," and she was done. No WAY she was gonna say no to that! Sad. Oh well- thanks for the entertainment as always!

  7. Thanks so much for the laughs, Jen. I thought the ATFR show was very uncomfortable. They're not into each other and can't even act like they are. Nick should just go on Tinder or something. His chances of finding love are better there, and that's depressing.

  8. This season made me sick of everything Bachelor Nation but Bachelor in Paradise.
    I'm so over Rachel even before her show starts.

  9. Thanks Jen -- you made the Bachelor show much more interesting and provided a ton of belly laughs for us.NICK PLAYED US ALL. He KNEW that he and Vanessa would never get along, and hey, there she is in Canada so he doesn't have to deal with her long distance "core values". So it all worked out well for his escape, planned well beyond the final rose.Then,the producers ask if he wants to be on Dancing with the Stars and heck, why not -- so many women so little time. TV IS HIS PROFESSION and he's thinking how many more women he can bonk.Glad beautiful frisky Raven is on Bachelor in Paradise!! She deserves better -- what a class act woman. You go girl Raven!